Being a wiser owl.

We've all been there. A little Internet browse when bored at work.  Some might look at sports results or celebrity gossip, each to their own really. Naturally I like to look at things I am interested in, one of which is Owls. 

If you are interested in knowing what others are interested in, this may interest you.

  Back to Owls. So, I was at my desk one day in what happened to be a pretty volatile office. I don't do volatile well, I always had a minor sense of panic about me . It was a quiet day, I had my work done really and it made for perfect perusal time. I initially was taking a look at some unusual breeds of owl and their camouflage methods. It was most intriguing. If the opportunity ever arises, I would really recommend a game of 'spot the camouflaged owl'. I then stumbled across some owl chicks, a delight, then to a Youtube link of owl chicks and their Mum. 

 As you may have seen on Youtube, you are offered some related clips to the right of your chosen feature, I took a browse through these and came upon a link about owl mating. This question often came to my mind, but I had never found the correct expert or time to ask. I saw this clip as a golden opportunity. I of course clicked it. 

 What followed was a poor girl owl, in a some class of manmade kennel in a tree with a video camera inside it, just minding her own business. She was chilling there, looking like she might have been asleep. The next thing is a giant boy owl barges in, leaps on top her, scaring the life out of her, and gets on with a spot of mating. Now, I got a similar level of shock to the girl owl and jumped out of my seat with a shriek. I tried to regain composure, while keeping my eyes glued to the situation on screen. The boy owl finishes up his job, then just turns on his wing and leaves. There is no hello, no goodbye, not even a thanks. I was so shocked. Unfortunately, so were the rest of volatile office, who had gathered around my screen post shriek. The expressions on their faces said more than, you will never be employee of the month, it was more, you will always eat your lunch alone now. 

 There was no explaining it, to them it was simple, I was the girl who watched owl porn in the office. So, what to do if you fancy a spot of browsing at work? Keep it clean!

How to become a more flexible friend.

Exercise is a necessary evil for us ladies. I don't seem to be naturally predisposed to sport, so finding the right form of exercise for me has been an ongoing challenge.

At one stage I decided the gym was the way forward for me. When I went to view the gym, the lady who was showing me around, asked me 'what do you think of that wall?' pointing to a multi coloured wall. In my head I thought, wow, she is being thorough, unbeknown that she had in fact been pointing out a climbing wall. I told her it was lovely and it was nice to see a bit of colour in what seemed to be such an industrial setting. The long and short of it was that the gym was just not for me.

Now my exercise regime includes yoga classes, dancing and walking. All delightful activities. But aside from walking, all do include being in a class environment. So on to the age old problem, what to do if there's some 'unexpected wind' experienced during a yoga class.

I have sleepless nights over this issue, it has yet to happen to me, but I know that if I keep practicing yoga, my day is sure to come. When the day came for one of my class mates, I was unfortunately right in the so called firing line. Yoga involves a lot of deep breathing and remaining still, I really had no escape. Then of course I had to stifle the obligatory laughter. All I could do to try and remain composed and conscious was to try and exhale but it came out really loudly, sort of like the noise a dragon would make. This naturally made the situation 10 times worse.

So I changed my tack and went for a 'stuck cough' sort of effort. The result removed any unwanted attention from the wind victim, but lead our teacher to believe I was in respiratory distress. The teacher then instructed me into a posture to relieve my distress, it resembled a snail combined with an octopus. It was complicated. If only I could have politely ignored my class mate!

What to do if someone breaks wind at yoga: this one is simple, ignore it!

Even my train ticket advertised my single status.

From my own experience, being on the front line of late 20's singledom can be a tough job. Aside from your own aspirations for a picket fence and Nissan Quashqai, you also have the aspirations of your smugly married friends and family to live up. You eye up every guy you see, it becomes like a fugitive hunt. Could it be that guy there examining the Soya milk? Is it this guy, surely a cosmic force made me sit next to him on the bus? It was none of those guys. But I did go about doing everything in my power to get them to ask me out.

What is the best method to get a stranger to ask you out? Well the first thing you need to do is assess whether the stranger is a mass murderer. You'll have your own criteria, mine generally involved studying their clothing and facial expressions. Once cleared by security, I would then work my magic:
Stage 1: Get them to notice you. Try smiling, a lot and also keep your phone in your hand.
Stage 2: If they have smiled back, go hunting in your bag for something, then look up and smile again.
Stage 3: Then its time to strike, something like 'you wouldn't have a pen?' might work nicely.
Stage 4: Whether they can or cannot satisfy your request is of no consequence, you've started talking to them. You've heard their voice, checked they had all their own teeth and ascertained if they are a viable catch. You must smile throughout this phase.
Stage 5: You need to say something polite and charming such as 'Its been so nice talking you you.' This is when he will be caught off guard and you should prepare yourself for his hopefully positive response, 'Yeah it was.' You then jokingly say, We should do this again sometime-keeping your phone visible at all times.
Stage 6: If its gone successfully, the young man will take the unconscious hint of the phone and ask for your number.
Stage 7: Laughter over number exchange.
Stage 8: Spend next 48-72 hours nervously waiting for him to text. He has a week. He may not be your Prince Charming, but you've got to try the Cream Soda before you find the real Lemonade.

Sometimes you need Plan B simply to make Plan C.

We all know that life doesn't always go to plan. That sometimes what seems like a relatively simple action can spiral out of control with some horrific consequences. Often you're required to muster your best skill and judgement and every creative strand in your body to rectify the situation. You'll note I have used the word often. This is because these events seem occur in my life slightly more often than others. Through this I have gained some interesting life coping skills. So I thought, why keep these pearls of wisdom to myself? I should share them with others. Who wouldn't want to know what to do when they have mistakenly spread a rumor about a colleagues rear end? Or how to pick up a guy in a queue? So this is my initial foray, call it a how to guide to what not to do.

If you have recently mistakenly spread a rumor about a colleague's rear end, and are tearing your hair out in an effort to rectify the situation, it really is a matter of urgency that I outline how to best deal with the matter. How my situation came about was very simple . My office was on a mezzanine floor above a male colleague's. I could generally hear their phone calls, but would not really have had the interest to listen in. Until one day I couldn't help it. All I heard was 'Cyst removed from my bum'. I couldn't believe my ears, that he was discussing this so openly and colloquially on a work telephone line. I felt if it was ok for him to discuss it, it was ok for me to discuss it. I went about internally phoning colleagues to discuss this juicy tale of woe.
All was going well with my scandalous grapevine, until I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was the aforementioned colleague. He stood there, pointed at his mouth and said, Gum, I had a cyst removed on my gum.
I sat there, blushing in silence. How could I A)apologize? B)not lose my job over this? The answer came to me like a robin on a winters day, I would offer to make him an industrious quantity of rice crispie buns in return for his silence. At first he looked surprised by this suggestion, I think his next port of call had been a complaint to HR. But one of my rare talents is the ability to make delicious rice crispie buns. A deal was then reached, I was to clear his name, halt the rumor mill and also he could telephone me and order any quantity of rice crispie buns to be delivered to his desk within 24 hours.
So, a solution to that age old problem, what to do if you mistakenly spread a rumor about a colleague's back side-clear their name and agree to make them an unlimited supply of chocolate based treats.